The Girl In My Dream

Last night, I had this peculiar dream about a girl that I’m familiar with during my days in my hometown. Unfortunately, she’s rather vague in my dream and I can’t get the right picture of her face out of my head. Anyway, that girl, I think, was one of my crushes during my high school days. Well, from what I remembered she’s rather cute and I admired her plain beauty only from a distance. Most of my friends had a crush on her that’s why we frequented Susan Theater watching those Robin Padilla’s flicks. You know, the “bad boy image” era of my not so wonderful teenager’s life sporting such ridiculous long hair, oversized scarf, cowboy boots, boot-cut jeans and white t-shirt.

By the way, She’s working there as store assistant at night during weekdays. Sadly, I didn’t get to know her personally. Because, for crying out loud, I don’t have the guts to strike a conversation with her or even ask her name. What can you expect from a very nervous guy like me, who thought during those times that the best thing in life is just to stay silent and think about all the negative side of everything? Pathetic, isn’t it? For a consolation, I was not the only one who suffered from the same dilemma. Most of us have this invisible twin brother called “inferiority complex” that’s always worrying for us on what other people will say about our actions. Not to mention, the complexity of failure acceptance and the fear of public humiliation.

When I realized these things, I was kind of dejected that I wasted so much time and opportunities dwelling in such an ugly perspective. I asked myself, why on earth I was so worried about what other people will say? When, in fact, I should be more concern about the result of my actions and from there I can tell what’s wrong with it if I screwed up. In the same time, eliminating the “what-if” questions in the future. After all, as human as we are, “Mr. Failure” is always there at our side until the day we say the words “Adios, Patria adorada”. So, if you’re a guy out there who happens to like a girl and you’re too chicken to even talk to her, think about it in the most positive way. Because, if you don’t do anything about it right now, you’ll be an instant loser without even trying and you’ll be sorry for the rest of your life waiting for a girl who have the right attitude to court you.

The Call Of Solitude

In the verge of a mild depression, I packed my bag and headed to the bus terminal. I climbed the steps of the huge vehicle ready to depart. The scenery along the way slowly faded in my eyes like a dream until I fell asleep. I was awakened by a shout of the conductor. We already arrived at our destination, Ragay, my old hometown. Then, in an instant, the sense of nostalgia rushed into my whole being. How I missed this old rotting town? I can’t express in words but only with a deep sigh savoring the freshness of the early morning breeze. I had lived two decades of simplicity in this town. Naturally, I hated fate when necessity forced me to leave it. Then, reality struck me hard when I realized that I don’t really have any future here. So, I decided to abandon my roots and headed to Manila with the courage of a delusional young boy. However, after decade of unfruitful struggle of city-living I found myself empty in spirit. Now, I’m back again not to permanently stay but to reminisce the past and memories of this town. I know the time will come that I will stay here forever until the day I die. But, not now… my time in the city is not yet up.

As always, the town is the same as I left it. Gloomy, empty and dead but I loved it that way. I rode a tricycle going to Apad, my beloved barrio. I passed by the house of a very special girl who somehow caused this distress. The memories of her flooded into my mind like a distant dream. How sad it happened that way. However, there's nothing I can do but forget it. Then, I saw my mother in her small store, smiling to me with joy in her face and I smiled back without saying anything. My hardworking mother was growing old fast now but with grace in her own way. My siblings were very happy to see me. My nieces and nephews were happy too, even without their usual chocolates. I’m glad also that I’ve realized how I missed them.

The next day, I visited my relatives in the other side of the barrio. I asked my cousin a favor to accompany me to an island we called Ogtoc Point. We rode a motorboat silently watching the scenery magically revealed before us. The burning heat of the sun and the acrid smell of the sea bring back the memory of my childhood. After an hour, we arrived peacefully at my uncle’s fishpond. The old house was still standing as I saw it the last time. Taking a nap in that house really makes me snore like my late father. The sea breeze was really so calming and rejuvenating that will surely send anyone to his/her deepest slumber.

In that afternoon, I strolled around the island alone forgetting the complexity of dwelling in the city. Under the bearable heat of the sun, I wandered in the empty beaches and in the edges of numerous cliffs. After a while, sitting atop a rock silently watching the birds and throwing stones that disturbed the calm sea enjoying my self-appointed solitude. I passed by the dilapidated house of my former classmate. I remembered the happiest moment of my life in that abandoned house. After our high school graduation, we spent there three unforgettable days of summer swimming in the beach, doing childish franks with each other, singing along with guitars around the campfire, and drinking a lot until we passed out. I’m still wondering if somehow my former classmates remembered it too. My reminiscence really absorbed my spirit that I forgot it was time to go home. I saw the sun started to hide itself at the back of the mountain. The red glow shinning in the horizon increases my growing sadness. Then, I heard a familiar sound… the sound of my alarm clock. Ah… I wished I’m not dreaming again…